Which Are the Lies?

Hey, y'all ...

As promised, I'm making Miss Fancy Pants Author Deborah Sharp fess up today as to what's the truth and what's pure fiction from the claims she made (below) for that Bald Faced Liar Award. I will tell you one thing: Picturing her on that nude beach in her birthday suit on her 50th is enough to ruin my dinner.

Sincerely, Mama

1. I worked as a street mime in Paris the summer after high school. (False ... but it would have been a good fit, since I can't SPEAK French. )



2. I went, sans swimsuit, to a nude beach on my 50th birthday. (True, and I froze. Even though the beach is in Miami, my birthday is in January.)

3. I was a DJ at my college radio station and my stage name was Sexy Sadie. (False)

4. I was a finalist to be a contestant on the first season of ''Survivor.'' (So False)

5. I was an Egyptian queen during one past life; a witch at the Salem trials in another. (False, but would be cool, no? )

6. I won a Hot Bod bikini contest during college Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale. (True. It involved the ingestion of several Rum Runners and a crocheted string bikini. 'Nuff said. )



7. I was selected to be the first journalist in space before NASA's funding dried up. (False)

8. I was arrested for violating a restraining order in a dust-up with the Monkees' Davy Jones. (False, but I did doodle Davy's name on my book covers, convinced we'd marry someday ... Daydream Believer, indeed. )



Congrats to Dru Ann Love, Sue Ann Jaffarian, and Glen Allison, who each guessed correctly on one out of my two truths. Thanks, too, to Alan, Julia, Deb and Victoria for playing along.

Get Friendly, Y'all

Well, I just tallied up the friends that snippy author has on her Facebooks. I'm no math genius, but even I can see she's way ahead of me.

How is it that the most popular person in Himmarshee, Fla., only has 47 Internote friends? I think that smart-aleck Deborah Sharp has done something to sabotage me. I bet she crossed the wires on the Wide World of the Web so that when people try to sign up to be Friends of Mama, they wind up on her page instead.

It's just not fair, y'all. I'm nicer than she is, and I'm a more interesting person, too. I was the head cheerleader AND homecoming queen at Himmarshee High back in .... well, a few years back. It's not braggin' if it's fact! What'd she ever do in high school? Dressed like a hippie and hung out at Surf Beach, that's what. I'm surprised any college would have her.

I'm ready to take things into my own hand. You know how that Ellen De-Something gal on TV has her own flag (and I'm not talking about the Rainbow Flag). Here's what it looks like:



Well, if Ellen can do it, I can too. I intend to conquer Ms. Sharp with a whole slew of new friends on Facebooks. So spread the word. You can sign up here, at Friends of Mama.

I'm declaring war, y'all. It's going to be just like Ellen's quest for world domination. Except all I want is 10 times as many friends as that unnamed author has.

Flattered or Insulted?

Well, y'all ... I don't know whether to take this as a compliment or a dig. Why don't you tell me?

Seems that glory-hogging Deborah Sharp has grabbed another award, created by Lesa Holstein at Lesa's Book Critiques :




Creative Writer ... sounds nice, right? But look what's crossed out: Bald Faced Liar. And Deborah's friend, Sue Ann Jaffarian, nominated this little advice column of mine, not Miss Fancy Pants' boring old author blog, Mystery Gal.

So, does that make Deborah or me the liar? And, do I owe Sue Ann a thank-you?

Well, I'll play along. No one can call Mama a bad sport. Here are the rules:

1.Thank the person who gave this to you. Hmm, thanks (?), Sue Ann.

2.Copy the logo and place it on your blog. Done

3.Link to the person who nominated you. See #1 above.

4.Tell us up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth. Since the Bible tells us to always be truthful, I'm letting Deborah take over here (Lying doesn't seem to bother Miss Fancy Author):

1. I worked as a street mime in Paris the summer after high school.
2. I went, sans swimsuit, to a nude beach on my 50th birthday.
3. I was a DJ at my college radio station and my stage name was Sexy Sadie.
4. I was a finalist to be a contestant on the first season of ''Survivor.''
5. I was an Egyptian queen during one past life; a witch at the Salem trials in another.
6. I won a Hot Bod bikini contest during college Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale.
7. I was selected to be the first journalist in space before NASA's funding dried up.
8. I was arrested for violating a restraining order in a dust-up with the Monkees' Davy Jones.

5. Allow your readers to guess which one or more are true. Go for it, y'all.

6. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.

Victoria Allman : Following My Stomach
Alan Williamson : Unauthorized Insights
Glen Allison : Fat, Bald and Studly
Julia Buckley : Mysterious Musings
Deb Baker : Inside Looking Out
Pamela James and Terri Parsons : Mayhem & Magic
Mike Befeler : Author of ''Geezer Lit'' mysteries


7. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate. Done, see bloggers above.

8. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them. All set.

Okay, y'all ... I'll ask Fancy Pants Deborah to announce here two weeks from today which of her statements above are whoppers.

Sincerely,
Mama

Wedding Etiquette: What to do with a Dead Caterer

Well, hey y'all! Long time no see. Sal and I are finally back from our honeymoon in Branson, Missouri, with a side-trip to the casinos in Gulfport, Mississippi. Sal rolled snake-eyes, but I had a good night at the nickel slots.

While I was gone, the new book cover arrived for my next story, MAMA GETS HITCHED. (It doesn't come out 'til July, but you can jump the gun and order it now before they run out!) You'd think that snippy author, Deborah Sharp, might have asked for my input before the publisher went ahead and put the cover together . . . but, no. She's all about being the boss and grabbing all the glory, even though she just writes down what I actually live. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have had those Slim Jims and pickled eggs on the bar. I did NOT serve pickled eggs at my wedding!

Getting around to my point: I've just been through the whole wedding thing, so I'm advertising myself as an expert now. I've always gotten letters asking for advice on love, fashion, and family feuds. But now y'all can write in with wedding questions, too.

I mean once you start off your nuptials with a murdered caterer, there's not a whole lot that can throw you. Looking back, I might not have had my Pomeranian, Teensy, as the ring bearer, considering what happened .... but you can read all about it in MAMA GETS HITCHED (Midnight Ink, July 2010).

Now, send in those letters, y'all!