Rodeo Wear?

Dear Mama,

I'm going to be in Okeechobee, Fla., on Sat., July 25th, to celebrate National Day of the American Cowboy (Who knew we had one?) I know that's pretty close to your hometown of Himmarshee, so I'm hoping you have some advice for me on what to wear.

I have to be comfortable, since I'll be at the Agri-civic center rodeo grounds for several hours, talking about and signing my book, MAMA RIDES SHOTGUN. It's very hot this time of year in middle Fla., I know. May I dress accordingly?

Sincerely,
A Fan in Fort Lauderdale


Dear ''Fan,''

Honey, you aren't fooling me one bit with that young gal you sent a picture of. I know who you are: Deborah Sharp, Miss Snippy Author. Plus, that little gal in the cowgirl mini is young enough to be your granddaughter.

I know we've had our issues, what with you stealing all my stories for your books and all. But I'll do the Christian thing. I forgive you. And, I'm big enough to offer you my fashion advice. Lord knows you need it.

First of all, yes, it's warm. July here is hotter than two rats getting it on in a wool sock. But no short shorts (please, not in any setting, not at your age) and no halter tops (Gravity, honey. 'Nuff said.) You'll need a cowboy hat. And jeans are always in style in Himmarshee. One last thing, if your husband comes with you, tell him no Bermuda shorts and NO sandals. Those ''mandals'' will mark y'all as outsiders faster than trying to order a cappuccino at the Booze 'n' Breeze Drive-thru.

PS: It might have been nice, since I'm so close to Okeechobee, if you'd have invited me to be there for the big signing for OUR book. It's okay. I forgive you for that, too. But honey, you are pushin' your luck.

Love (?),
Mama

Madder than a Box of Frogs

Dear Readers,

I know this Wide World of the Web plog is for y'all to write me for advice. But I need a little advice myself. What do you wear to a butt-kickin'? Because that's what I'm fixing to give that snippy author Deborah Sharp!

I've told you how she grabs all the attention for the Mama books, even though all she does is write down my stories.

''Creative'' writing, I guess she calls it.

Anyhoo ... get a gander at this press release her fancy publisher sent out about my latest: Mama Rides Shotgun. Go ahead and read it, below. Then, I want you to tell me if you see ANY mention whatsoever of my role as creator and originator of the Mama character. Nope, didn't think so.

And that's my next question: Where do I find me a good copyright lawyer?

Contact: Courtney Kish

Midnight Ink Publicity

Email: CourtneyK@MidnightInkBooks.com

Tel: 651-312-8452

Midnight Ink

For Immediate Release

Native Floridian Continues Her Own Slice of “Old Florida” in Second Mystery

Author Deborah Sharp focuses on little-known rodeo-and-ranches slice of her state

“An amusingly wild ride through parts of Florida tourists rarely visit.”–Kirkus Reviews

ST. PAUL, MINN. — Native Floridian Deborah Sharp continues her passion about the vanishing culture, back roads and burgs of “Old Florida” in her second mystery novel Mama Rides Shotgun, (July).

In Mama Rides Shotgun, Mama's fixin' to marry husband number five. But before she does, she convinces daughter Mace to saddle up for some country-gal bonding on the Florida Cracker Trail. The six-day ride is going fine until wealthy rancher Lawton Bramble keels over in his Cow Hunter Chili.

A one-time beau of Mama's, Lawton Bramble had a bad ticker and tons of enemies. Mace has her doubts about natural causes, along with a long list of suspects who might have "spiced" the cattleman's chili. Mace's worried sisters Maddie and Marty join the ride, as does her sexy ex-beau, Detective Carlos Martinez. With—or despite—their help, Mace is determined to corral this killer.

Florida native Deborah Sharp is a former USA Today reporter. She left news tragedies behind to write the funny, Southern-fried “Mace Bauer Mystery’’ series. Her essays and short stories have run nationally, and her humor commentaries play on the NPR station in Tampa, Fla. Interviewed by Al Roker on NBC’s TODAY Show, Deborah has also made many appearances at book fests and conventions. Visit her on the web at: www.DeborahSharp.com.

Mama Rides Shotgun: A Mace Bauer Mystery (Book 2) by Deborah Sharp

US $14.95 CAN $16.95 | Paperback Original | ISBN: 978-0-7387-1330-4

PUB DATE: July 2009 | Midnight Ink Books

For more information, visit www.MidnightInkBooks.com.

###

To request a review copy or arrange an interview with the author, please contact:

Courtney Kish, Midnight Ink Publicity

Email: CourtneyK@MidnightInkBooks.com, Tel: 651-312-8452

The Perfect Mother's Day Gift

Dear Mama,

Mother's Day is fast approaching, and I have no idea what to get my own mama.

A tattoo is out; I did that last year. Since the rehab, the six-pack of wine coolers I usually get her is out, too. And after that Janet Jackson-style incident with her and that too-tight tube top at the truck pull, I don't want to get her a clothing store gift certificate. There's just no telling what kind of hoochie-mama outfit she'd come home with. She's gotten way too big for stretchy anything, but I'm not going to be the one to break the news that not even Spandex has infinite pliability.

And don't even suggest a nice dinner out at the Speckled Perch. Mama's not welcome there anymore after that ruckus she caused in the parking lot when she busted open the back of a stock trailer hauling her ex-boyfriend's prize bull. It's a shame that semi-truck driver picked just that moment to speed past on State Road 98.

Can you suggest a gift that won't piss her off, endanger her sobriety, or cause a clothing malfunction too embarrassing to contemplate in a woman of my mama's considerable size?

Signed, In a Quandry


Dear Quandry,

Now, don't take this wrong, honey .... but, your mama can read, can't she? Because if she can, I have the best idea for her Mother's Day gift. I don't want to sound immodest, but there's a terrific book out now called Mama Does Time. It's all about ME! Here's a picture of the cover:




Oh, it's no secret I've had a quibble or two with that fancy author who wrote the book. Like, Number One, how come Ms. Deborah Sharp gets all the credit when I actually lived the story and all she did was write it down? But that's water under the bridge. She's already got a second one coming out in July: Mama Rides Shotgun. That one's all about me, too.

But anyhoo, people do seem to like Mama Does Time, and she put enough of my sayings and all in there to make it entertaining (Believe me, I've met Ms. Sharp. She's about as lively as a Lutheran hymn fest.)

And maybe my story will give your mama a little something to brag about. No matter what all she's done, she hasn't done time. Or maybe she has. In that case, it'll give her something to identify with.

Love,
Mama

Proper Etiquette after a Bar Fight?

Dear Mama,

I had a little too much to drink the other night at Gator O'Riley's Bar and BBQ, and I let this uppity gal from Orlando get my goat. Well, long story short, we wound up in a catfight. I'm talking hair-pulling, floor-rolling, nail-breaking warfare.

Here's my question, Mama. I'd sooner push a Brahma bull uphill than apologize to that snippy witch from O'town (Who the hell does she think she is, calling me a redneck?)

But I do think it would be polite to make some kind of gesture to Gator himself. What's appropriate? A nice card with a personal note? A check to cover the mirror I broke when I tossed her sorry ass into it? Flowers?

I want to do the right thing, Mama. And I also want Gator to let me back in the door, especially since Thursday's coming up, and that's Chicks Drink Free night.

Sincerely,
Bubbette


Dear Bubbette,

Honey, have you heard of AA? Sounds to me like you could stand to become a Friend of Bill, if you get my drift.

But if you haven't hit bottom yet . . . though, believe me, rolling around on a barroom floor soaked in beer and who knows what-all seems to be getting pretty close . . . I advise sending Gator that check for damages. I know the man, and he doesn't seem like the daisies type.

You didn't ask for fashion advice, but here it is anyway: Dark blue jeans are your best bet if you're going to keep bar-fighting. They barely show the blood at all.

Love,
Mama

Mama, It's COLD Outside!

Dear Mama,

This shivering Florida gal needs your help. This cold snap we're having shows no sign of ending, and I don't know a damn thing about dressing for frigid weather while looking fashionable.

Is that even possible? Does anyone look good in down? I mean, consider Wisconsin.

Please rush your advice. It's been so cold down South (check out that pix above of my husband taking a dip in Lake Okeechobee. That's how cold we've been!), I'm at my wit's end.

Mama, what do you do, fashion-wise, when the temperature dips?

Signed, Shivering



Dear Shivering,

Honey, there's no use fighting it. You have to dress for the cold first, and worry about fashion second. Now, I know that's heresy coming from me, but have you been outside lately?

When I went to walk Teensy this morning, I was wearing a red Snugee blanket over my purple warm-up suit and a pair of Sal's golf socks on my hands. I even had on a stocking cap, and believe me, you do not want to see my 'do suffering from that Northern syndrome known as ''hat hair.'' I was just grateful no photographer from the Himmarshee Times newspaper drove by and snapped my picture.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And I am DESPERATE for this cold weather to end. Thought you might like to see a photo of Teensy, below, in his little winter sweater. I figure he looks so adorable, maybe folks won't look too close at me until I can shed this insulation and break out the sherbet-colored pantsuits again.




Love, Mama

Well, I Am Plumb Exhausted!

My goodness, it has been way too long since I've had a minute to sit down and answer all my letters and queries here at Ask Mama. I promise I will get back on track soon.

Who knows what Fashion Don'ts and Love Life Crises have arisen while I've been otherwise engaged? And I mean that literally, y'all! My fiance Sal popped the question, and I'm planning the biggest wedding little Himmarshee, Fla., has ever seen.

My middle daughter Mace calls it the Wedding of the Century, but I suspect she's being a little bit of a smart aleck, as usual. I do know we have a Gone with the Wind theme, complete with my dog, Teensy, as a ring bearer and ruffled gowns and parasols for my three bridesmaid daughters. They look as pretty as the Southern belles at Cypress Gardens.

I just hope the Yankees don't burn down Tara, figuratively speaking. You may remember my man Sal is from New York City (and, yes, I love him anyway.) A whole passel of his kinfolk are heading south on I-95, and some folks in Himmarshee feel like it's Sherman's March all over again.

I'll keep y'all posted on the progress. I even hear that snippy author, Deborah Sharp, is writing a story about the whole to-do. She's calling it Mama Gets Hitched, though I think I could have come up with a snappier title.

Well, ta-ta for now. I'll catch up with your questions soon.

Love,
Mama

Hallelujah! She Finally Puts on Make-up!

Well, I'm the first one to admit when I'm wrong (though my middle daughter Mace might quibble a bit with that). And I am here to tell y'all I had that snippy, back-to-nature author all wrong.

Did you see that gal on the Today Show this week? She went all the way up to New York City to talk about my story, which she calls ''Mama Does Time,'' though I can't say I care for the title much myself. It makes me sound like a convict when all that about the murder was really just a misunderstanding ...

Anyhoo, my point is this: Somebody talked her into making up her face for the TV show, and when I got a gander at her on my TV, all I could think was Thank Goodness! I am not kidding you. Little Ms. Natural was wearing lipstick, blush-on, eyeliner, mascara, eyebrow pencil, and foundation (my Lord, they must have slathered it on on with a trowel. You could hardly see her wrinkles and those awful age spots at all!) I've put her foto up there for you to judge for yourself. Now, if you don't think she looks that good, that's because you've never seen her au naturel!

So, I hope this means she's a convert now. We've just been itching to do a makeover for her at Hair Today, Dyed Tomorrow beauty salon. And we want to take her on a shopping spree to Fran's Frocks and Fancy Duds. When you're 20 you can get away with thrift store clothes, but honey, at 50-plus, you just start looking like a crazy bag lady, wearing somebody else's old hand-me-downs.

That's all for now, from Himmarshee, Fla ... Love, Mama

Nightstand Naughtiness

Dear Mama,

I hear you've been married four times, so I bet you know something about mother-in-laws. Maybe you can help me, before I'm hauled off to the hoosegow over this latest to-do with my husband's mama.



Here's the deal: When she comes to visit, she likes to rearrange all the cabinets and drawers so they're more to her liking. This didn't bother me so much in the kitchen ... because, frankly, I'm not exactly Suzy Homemaker, and that rat's nest in the kitchen sure needed some attention.



But I had to put my foot down when I came home and found her pulling out and straightening up all the items in our bedroom nightstand. Now, I don't know about you, Mama, but the drawers right beside our bed can hide a few marital secrets, if you know what I mean. I've got two questions for you: How do I discourage his mama from poking her nose where it doesn't belong, and am I within my rights to conk her on the noggin if she won't keep her paws out of our bedroom business?


Sincerely,


Fed up and Flustered

Dear Flustered,

I am with you 100 percent. For me, Husband Number Three's mama was the worst. She always complained about the way I cooked, except when her mouth was full of my dinner. And she never once said thank-you when I gave her a complete make-over at Hair Today, Dyed Tomorrow. Of course, there was that incident with the hair dryer and third-degree burns, but the short in the electrical wiring wasn't my fault.

As for your mother-in-law, I suggest you put something truly shocking in that nightstand. You can go on the Wide World of the Web, and those folks will mail you something sexy in a plain brown paper wrapper. Now, I don't know about this first-hand, but so I've been told.

Anyway, let her find it and stew over whether to bring it up. If she's got the nerve, I say conk away . . . maybe you can use that whatchamacalit you ordered from the Wide Web World as a weapon.

Love,
Mama

Of Eyeliner and Kitty Litter

Dear Mama,

I'm 15 and am scheduled to have surgery in a couple of weeks. And, boy, is my surgeon a QT! Even if he is older than my mother. I don't want Dr. Hot to see me wearing a tacky hospital gown with those horrid light brown socks with the white treads on the top and bottom of them. Plus, I won't be able to wear my makeup! What am I going to do??

I thought about sneaking out and getting the eyeliner permanently tattooed on, but I don't have any money (I only get paid $5.50 a week for cleaning five cat litter boxes a day) Help!!

Naked Without Makeup

Dear Naked,
Well, honey ... first let me say good luck on your surgery. We'll add a little prayer for you down at the Abundant Faith and Forgiveness Chapel. And I just know things are going to be okay.

Second, you do not want your surgeon distracted one bit while he's operating, so this isn't the time to worry about looking like a beauty queen. And I can say so, 'cause I WAS a beauty queen: Swamp Cabbage Festival Queen in LaBelle, Fla., in . . . well, we won't say exactly what year that was in.

Anyhoo, I know how you feel about those awful gowns (tacky, not to mention breezy!). And I agree with you about make-up, except in surgery. I'd say just a touch of lipstick once you're in the recovery room. Maybe some blush, too. Oh, and bring a colorful scarf -- maybe a lemon yellow? -- to jazz up that hideous brown.

Now, about those tattooed eyelids ... do not go there, darlin'. I know perfectly nice gals have them, but I advise against anything that permanent anywhere. You never know how fashion might change. Nothing says forever like a tattoo. Just ask Angelina Jolie.

Finally, I know you're only 15, but you are getting ROBBED on that litter-box job of yours. I'm more of a dog person (Maybe you've read about my pet Pomeranian, Teensy?), but I understand those cats can be demanding little divas. And stinky litter boxes, too? Honey, you should be bringing in at least 10 bucks a week for your trouble.

Love,

Mama

Fashion Emergency

Dear Mama,

I saw that gal who's been writing up your stories, and I think you've been falling down on the job. Folks look to you to know what looks good (I loved that boysenberry pantsuit you wore to the Livestock Auction in Himmarshee . . . and you found earrings, a scarf, and those little strappy sandals to match that unusual shade of purple. I sure hope you didn't step in anything in those shoes on the way out of the cattle ring . . . )

Anyways, that poor author gal could sure use a make-over. She's talked about trying to update her look, but I know for a fact she's had the identical hairstyle since 1979.

Can't you drag her down to Hair Today Dyed Tomorrow? Or take her in for a clothing consult at Home on the Range Feed Store and Fashion Emporium? I mean, really, anything would be an improvement.

I'm not kiddin,' Mama. You've got to step in. She's thinking about going out on YOUR book tour in Birkenstocks. I just pray she doesn't wear them with socks.


Sincerely, Fashion Conscious


Dear Fashion Conscious,

Honey, you are preaching to the choir. I've talked to that poor gal 'til I'm blue in the face. I can't get her to understand the first thing about fashion.

Those Birkenstock shoes aren't the worst of it. Did you happen to see her at Gladys' restaurant when she visited Himmarshee the other day? Not a stitch of make-up, not even lipstick. And the poor thing has spent her life in the Florida sun. I offered to show her how to fill in some of those creases and wrinkles with a good foundation.

And don't get me started on those drab clothes. Nobody looks good in beige.

So, I appreciate what you're saying, but believe me, I've tried. She reminds me of my middle daughter, Mace. The both of them are stubborn as mules about taking my advice.

Love,

Mama