Welcome to Ask Mama, for all the answers . . .

Rosalee Provenza, Mama in my mystery series, thinks she's the whole reason for Mama Does Time (Midnight Ink, 2008), and Mama Rides Shotgun (2009). She was sure her star couldn't shoot any higher after Mama Gets Hitched came out in 2010. But, sure enough, her head swelled to Hollywood diva size after 2011's Mama Sees Stars debuted with a red carpet party, complete with paparazzi. Now she's mixing it up with Mama Gets Trashed (September 2013). Don't tell Mama you read this note from me. In her mind, she sprung to life all on her own.
Author Deborah Sharp
PS: Mama has a way of taking over; but you'll find my own website nearly Rosalee-free.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Advice to the Lovelorn

Now, y'all know I'm Himmarshee's fashion maven (that's a word I learned from one of my aromatherapy customers who moved to our little burg from New York City. It means expert.) Did you know I also dispense romantic advice? As someone who's  pranced down the bridal path a time or two (or five), I can tell when your would-be beloved does not pass the smell test. A couple of my exes stunk like the dumpster out back of Skipper's Seafood Shack, so I know what I'm talking about. I just got this letter, and I was happy to set this gal straight:

Dear Mama, 
My fiance is about to pluck my last nerve. I've been planning our wedding for the last six months. He's had zero interest in what we're serving, how we're dressing, or who all's coming. Don't even ask about his response the one time I put some pictures of cakes and color samples on the kitchen table to get his input. 
His eyes rolled back in his head and he pushed up out of his chair. 
"We got any more beer?'' 
You see what I mean? 
About all I expect of him is to show up on time and make sure the fly is zipped in his tuxedo pants. 
Now, with the wedding less than two weeks away, he's suddenly taken an interest. A buddy of his brought his wedding album by the trailer. My groom's now brimming with ideas. He wants a camouflage theme, just like his buddy's big day. I don't mind some camo accents here and there, maybe for cummerbunds or the bunting in a bouquet with yellow carnations. But he's talking a camouflage tsunami, with everybody from the minister to the flower girl garbed up like deer hunters. 
What do you think, Mama? Should I change everything just to make him happy? 

Not a Happy Hunter

Dear Not Happy,
Run for the hills, honey. This man is not marrying material.
I don't have a thing against camouflage clothing (in fact, I have a sexy outfit in pink camo that Sal thinks is adorable!) What stinks is a selfish nature, and your groom has that in spades.
First, he lets you do all the hard work, acting like it's beneath him to help plan what's supposed to be the happiest day of your lives. Then, at the last minute, he expects you to toss out everything in favor of his harebrained idea. (How many of those beers did he drink anyway, mooning over his buddy's wedding pictures?)
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Break off the engagement. Cut your losses. Then go out looking for a man who cares about your feelings. C'mon by and see us at Hair Today, Dyed Tomorrow beauty parlor. We'll do a pick-me-up makeover, and I'll even let you borrow my pink camo get-up for your manhunt.
You can see what it looks like, in the picture just above. 


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