Christmas Lights, Yay or Nay?

Dear Mama,

everthing was jes fine in the trailer park until this hoochie mama moved in with her yappie little rat dog, and she sez it is wrong to have christmas lights up on yor porch all year. we have always done it an been 100% happy!!

Is it really wrong?

please help!

yor fan, Lettie Mae

Dear Lettie Mae,

Well, first let me thank you kindly for being a fan. I've always been popular in my little hometown of Himmarshee, but this Wide World of the Web is an awful big place. As for those lights, I say let 'em shine, shine, shine. After all, can't we always use a little more of the Christmas spirit?

My own seasonal chasing lights are strung up in the plumbago bush year-round. All the neighbors comment about how pretty they look.
Your real dilemma is that hoochie gal next door. Who does she think she is? Paris Hilton?
I'd watch my man around her. And if she gives you any more trouble, just threaten to turn your pit bull loose on her little yappy dog.
You do have a pit bull, right?

Love, Mama

That boy's got ticks in the brain!

Dear Mama,
I'm a big time TV correspondent, frequently dispatched to wars, hellholes, and other dangerous spots. I'm currently in Mexico, covering a hurricane. My wife's mad at me because I showed up on the national news this morning, driving around in a car during the storm as tree limbs whizzed by and electrical poles shattered amid showers of sparks.
She says I'm an insane adrenaline junkie who should be over this crap after twenty-some years. How can I get her to start speaking to me again?
Signed,
The Colonel

Dear Colonel,
That must be one nutty army that would have you as an officer!
Have you had yourself checked for tick fever?
I say this 'cause I knew a boy once in Himmarshee who had it. It made him act all crazy. Like he climbed to the top of a corn silo once, just so he could pee off of it.
You better tell your poor wife to check herself for ticks, too. Anybody who'd stay married to you all that time surely has some kind of fever in the brain.
Maybe you can buy the two of you a pair of tick collars as a way of making up. Let me know if she ever starts talking to you again.

Love, Mama