My Wedding's Going to the Dogs

Dear Mama,

I don't know where else to turn. I'm getting married soon, and my groom is getting on my last nerve. I want everything to be perfect, but he's thisclose to ruining my Special Day.

Mama, he wants his Rottweiler in the bridal party. I've tried to tell him this is just too tacky for words, but he won't budge. He says it's the only request he has, and that if I don't honor it, it's a bad omen for our married life together.

First of all, Bear smells like he's been rolling in a dead skunk. Second, that dog's breath will clear out the whole front pew of the church, both the bride's side and the groom's. Third, he can't distinguish between a female dog and a female's leg, if you get my drift. He'll jump on anything that moves, and hump it harder than a piston engine.

I've been having nightmares, seeing our sacred ceremony ruined as Bear gets busy with a bridesmaid's thigh, or the bustle on my gown. The image is just too awful for words. Should I make this a deal-breaker, Mama?

Signed, Mustn't Love Dogs


Dear Musn't,

I'm a little bit biased on this particular topic. My middle daughter Mace and I went round 'n' round on the question of including my pet Pomeranian, Teensy, in my wedding. I just knew that dog would be adorable as the ring-bearer, in his little satin vest and doggy top hat. Mace, always a kill-joy, argued that animals have no place in a wedding.

I suspect she just didn't want the attention diverted from her in that beautiful bridesmaid gown. Don't believe Mace for a minute when she says she hated the gown, in a becoming shade of lime sherbet green, along with a matching ruffled parasol and drawstring purse. Everyone in Himmarshee, Fla., said she and her two sisters looked stunning in their ringlet curls and Scarlett O'Hara, sherbet-colored dresses.

Well, at least they looked stunning until the ''incident,'' when the ruckus started and everyone had to hit the floor.

But I digress. I won the argument with Mace (as I usually do). Teensy prancing down the aisle with Sal's and my wedding rings was one of the cutest moments ever, matrimonially speaking. Of course it didn't hurt to have the dog on hand, considering what happened at the reception.

Oh, you can read all about it in MAMA GETS HITCHED.

So, I say let Bear be in your wedding. It'll make your groom happy, and it won't kill you to let him win this argument (That'll change once you're married, hon). Just to be safe, hide a can of Halt! in your bouquet. If Bear tries to get ''busy,'' just give him a little spritz.

Love,
Mama