Gossip Girl

Dear Mama,

I'm at a big mystery novel convention outside Washington, D.C., and I have a problem. It involves you. Suppose I heard something about you -- something negative. Would you want to know? Or, is gossip best left unrepeated?

Just let me say that I don't for a minute believe this woman who's going around claiming how well she knows you. I mean, really. She says you did a stint in jail. You? A Himmarshee, Fla, Sunday School teacher, in the slammer? And multiple marriages? I mean who'd write into a column for advice on love from a woman who'd already tied the sacred knot of matrimony FOUR times???

I won't even mention what she's telling everybody here about your impending nuptials. (Wedding No. 5. Really?) Suffice to say a Gone-With-the-Wind themed wedding is a bit over-the-top, especially with those Scarlett O'Hara gowns and parasols, and a Pomeranian ring-bearer in a little doggy top hat. Not to mention the murder in the kitchen at the VFW.

Well, I won't tell you the very worst of what she says about you. Please say it's not true, Mama. How can you hand out advice when your own life is in such an uproar?

Sincerely,

A Mystery Fan at Malice Domestic
Arlington, Va.


Dear Mystery Fan,

Let me guess: You ran into that snippy author, Deborah Sharp. Don't believe a word that woman says. She's jealous, is all. She wouldn't even have a career without me. But does she give me a lick of credit?

No, she does not.

I won't even respond to those outlandish claims of hers. You do know Miss Smarty Pants Sharp makes up things for a living, don't you? Take everything she says about me with a grain ... no, a whole box .... of salt.

As for those Scarlett bridesmaid gowns . . .honey you'd have to see how beautiful my three girls looked before you said a word against them. When Betty did their hair in ringlet curls at Hair Today, Dyed Tomorrow Beauty Parlor . . . well, that was just the crowning touch. Everybody in Himmarshee said so.

You go find that author gal and tell her to quit spreading gossip about me. There is such a thing as slander. You just remind her my nephew Henry is Himmarshee's top attorney. (I know we only have the two, but still.)

Love,

Mama