My Wedding's Going to the Dogs

Dear Mama,

I don't know where else to turn. I'm getting married soon, and my groom is getting on my last nerve. I want everything to be perfect, but he's thisclose to ruining my Special Day.

Mama, he wants his Rottweiler in the bridal party. I've tried to tell him this is just too tacky for words, but he won't budge. He says it's the only request he has, and that if I don't honor it, it's a bad omen for our married life together.

First of all, Bear smells like he's been rolling in a dead skunk. Second, that dog's breath will clear out the whole front pew of the church, both the bride's side and the groom's. Third, he can't distinguish between a female dog and a female's leg, if you get my drift. He'll jump on anything that moves, and hump it harder than a piston engine.

I've been having nightmares, seeing our sacred ceremony ruined as Bear gets busy with a bridesmaid's thigh, or the bustle on my gown. The image is just too awful for words. Should I make this a deal-breaker, Mama?

Signed, Mustn't Love Dogs


Dear Musn't,

I'm a little bit biased on this particular topic. My middle daughter Mace and I went round 'n' round on the question of including my pet Pomeranian, Teensy, in my wedding. I just knew that dog would be adorable as the ring-bearer, in his little satin vest and doggy top hat. Mace, always a kill-joy, argued that animals have no place in a wedding.

I suspect she just didn't want the attention diverted from her in that beautiful bridesmaid gown. Don't believe Mace for a minute when she says she hated the gown, in a becoming shade of lime sherbet green, along with a matching ruffled parasol and drawstring purse. Everyone in Himmarshee, Fla., said she and her two sisters looked stunning in their ringlet curls and Scarlett O'Hara, sherbet-colored dresses.

Well, at least they looked stunning until the ''incident,'' when the ruckus started and everyone had to hit the floor.

But I digress. I won the argument with Mace (as I usually do). Teensy prancing down the aisle with Sal's and my wedding rings was one of the cutest moments ever, matrimonially speaking. Of course it didn't hurt to have the dog on hand, considering what happened at the reception.

Oh, you can read all about it in MAMA GETS HITCHED.

So, I say let Bear be in your wedding. It'll make your groom happy, and it won't kill you to let him win this argument (That'll change once you're married, hon). Just to be safe, hide a can of Halt! in your bouquet. If Bear tries to get ''busy,'' just give him a little spritz.

Love,
Mama

Too Close to His Mama

Well, finally!

I put out the word a while back that what with planning my own wedding and all, I'd be glad to take your ''wed-iquette'' questions. I just got my first letter, and I sure have something to say:


Dear Mama,

I'm supposed to get married next summer, but I'm having second thoughts. His mother wants to be involved, which is all fine and good, but she wants to be a little too involved, in my opinion. For example:

Instead of me walking down the aisle with my dad, she wants to walk down the aisle with my fiance, Norman. She wants to give him away.

She wants my bridesmaids to wear this putrid puce color, because that's the color she looks good in. She's already chosen her mother-of-the-groom dress in the same shade, and she wants all the flower arrangements to play off her dress.

We're buying things for the home we'll share, and his mother insists that this clunky wooden rocking chair come with us. My tastes run more to elegant modern furniture. The chair looks like something my great grandma would have stored in the attic.

Finally, I want a home with a nice master bath and big whirlpool tub. But Norman's mother insists a shower will do just fine, and won't take up as much space.

The worst part is, he wants to spend all his time with her, and he never stands up for me. I tell you, it cuts like a knife when he takes her side against me. Do you think I should go ahead with this wedding, Mama?

Signed, Concerned


Dear Concerned,

I have four words for you, darlin.' Rent Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.

I'm all for children showing respect to their mamas (Mace falls a little short sometimes, to be honest). But your man is waaaaay too close to Mama. That's just going to bring you heartache, honey, or maybe something worse. Forget the rental hall deposit and run for the hills.

If you decide to not take my advice, and marry anyway .... well, just make sure you don't settle for the bathroom with that little shower.

Love,
Mama