Gossip Girl

Dear Mama,

I'm at a big mystery novel convention outside Washington, D.C., and I have a problem. It involves you. Suppose I heard something about you -- something negative. Would you want to know? Or, is gossip best left unrepeated?

Just let me say that I don't for a minute believe this woman who's going around claiming how well she knows you. I mean, really. She says you did a stint in jail. You? A Himmarshee, Fla, Sunday School teacher, in the slammer? And multiple marriages? I mean who'd write into a column for advice on love from a woman who'd already tied the sacred knot of matrimony FOUR times???

I won't even mention what she's telling everybody here about your impending nuptials. (Wedding No. 5. Really?) Suffice to say a Gone-With-the-Wind themed wedding is a bit over-the-top, especially with those Scarlett O'Hara gowns and parasols, and a Pomeranian ring-bearer in a little doggy top hat. Not to mention the murder in the kitchen at the VFW.

Well, I won't tell you the very worst of what she says about you. Please say it's not true, Mama. How can you hand out advice when your own life is in such an uproar?

Sincerely,

A Mystery Fan at Malice Domestic
Arlington, Va.


Dear Mystery Fan,

Let me guess: You ran into that snippy author, Deborah Sharp. Don't believe a word that woman says. She's jealous, is all. She wouldn't even have a career without me. But does she give me a lick of credit?

No, she does not.

I won't even respond to those outlandish claims of hers. You do know Miss Smarty Pants Sharp makes up things for a living, don't you? Take everything she says about me with a grain ... no, a whole box .... of salt.

As for those Scarlett bridesmaid gowns . . .honey you'd have to see how beautiful my three girls looked before you said a word against them. When Betty did their hair in ringlet curls at Hair Today, Dyed Tomorrow Beauty Parlor . . . well, that was just the crowning touch. Everybody in Himmarshee said so.

You go find that author gal and tell her to quit spreading gossip about me. There is such a thing as slander. You just remind her my nephew Henry is Himmarshee's top attorney. (I know we only have the two, but still.)

Love,

Mama

We've Got a Winner!

I never go back on my word, y'all. That's why I've let Miss Author take over my space one more time. Here's her announcement.

Those who commented on author Deborah Sharp's guest post April 20 at POWERED BY BOOKS were entered in a drawing. Molly Weston's name was picked to win a signed copy of MAMA RIDES SHOTGUN (Midnight Ink, 2009). Congratulations, Molly!

I second that, Molly. Hope you like MY story.
Sincerely, Mama

Honey, You're too Pushy!

Well, the shoe's on the other foot again, y'all. I need your advice, and fast.

I know this author, let's say her name is Deborah S., and she is just the pushiest thing ever. A little while back, she took over this advice column of mine, here on the Wide World of the Web. Normally, I address the pressing concerns of folks needing help with all sorts of problems. But there she was, yammering on and on about some award or the other. She put up a bunch of pictures (The Monkees??), and made up all sorts of lies. Honestly, I stopped reading after the first three or four paragraphs. That poor gal is just plain boring without the wonderful source material provided to her by a certain matriarch from Himmarshee, Fla.

Anyhoo, she's at it again. Now she wants this space to announce that she's running a contest on April 20 over at the blog of an author friend by the name of Deb Baker . (That raises another question. Do all these author gals have the same name?) Deborah S. wanted me to let you know that all you have to do is comment on her post over at Powered by Books, and you'll be entered in a drawing to win a copy of MAMA RIDES SHOTGUN. She's pushed her way back AGAIN into announcing the winner here, on MY spot, on April 23.

Well, I'll go along, since I happen to know that book is a rip-roaring mystery starring yours truly. But somebody tell me, please, how do I get this pushy author out of my life? Y'all, she's just about to pluck my last nerve! I'd appreciate any advice you can offer, short of committing murder myself . . . Help!

Signed,
Mama