Proper Etiquette after a Bar Fight?

Dear Mama,

I had a little too much to drink the other night at Gator O'Riley's Bar and BBQ, and I let this uppity gal from Orlando get my goat. Well, long story short, we wound up in a catfight. I'm talking hair-pulling, floor-rolling, nail-breaking warfare.

Here's my question, Mama. I'd sooner push a Brahma bull uphill than apologize to that snippy witch from O'town (Who the hell does she think she is, calling me a redneck?)

But I do think it would be polite to make some kind of gesture to Gator himself. What's appropriate? A nice card with a personal note? A check to cover the mirror I broke when I tossed her sorry ass into it? Flowers?

I want to do the right thing, Mama. And I also want Gator to let me back in the door, especially since Thursday's coming up, and that's Chicks Drink Free night.

Sincerely,
Bubbette


Dear Bubbette,

Honey, have you heard of AA? Sounds to me like you could stand to become a Friend of Bill, if you get my drift.

But if you haven't hit bottom yet . . . though, believe me, rolling around on a barroom floor soaked in beer and who knows what-all seems to be getting pretty close . . . I advise sending Gator that check for damages. I know the man, and he doesn't seem like the daisies type.

You didn't ask for fashion advice, but here it is anyway: Dark blue jeans are your best bet if you're going to keep bar-fighting. They barely show the blood at all.

Love,
Mama

Mama, It's COLD Outside!

Dear Mama,

This shivering Florida gal needs your help. This cold snap we're having shows no sign of ending, and I don't know a damn thing about dressing for frigid weather while looking fashionable.

Is that even possible? Does anyone look good in down? I mean, consider Wisconsin.

Please rush your advice. It's been so cold down South (check out that pix above of my husband taking a dip in Lake Okeechobee. That's how cold we've been!), I'm at my wit's end.

Mama, what do you do, fashion-wise, when the temperature dips?

Signed, Shivering



Dear Shivering,

Honey, there's no use fighting it. You have to dress for the cold first, and worry about fashion second. Now, I know that's heresy coming from me, but have you been outside lately?

When I went to walk Teensy this morning, I was wearing a red Snugee blanket over my purple warm-up suit and a pair of Sal's golf socks on my hands. I even had on a stocking cap, and believe me, you do not want to see my 'do suffering from that Northern syndrome known as ''hat hair.'' I was just grateful no photographer from the Himmarshee Times newspaper drove by and snapped my picture.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And I am DESPERATE for this cold weather to end. Thought you might like to see a photo of Teensy, below, in his little winter sweater. I figure he looks so adorable, maybe folks won't look too close at me until I can shed this insulation and break out the sherbet-colored pantsuits again.




Love, Mama