The Perfect Mother's Day Gift

Dear Mama,

Mother's Day is fast approaching, and I have no idea what to get my own mama.

A tattoo is out; I did that last year. Since the rehab, the six-pack of wine coolers I usually get her is out, too. And after that Janet Jackson-style incident with her and that too-tight tube top at the truck pull, I don't want to get her a clothing store gift certificate. There's just no telling what kind of hoochie-mama outfit she'd come home with. She's gotten way too big for stretchy anything, but I'm not going to be the one to break the news that not even Spandex has infinite pliability.

And don't even suggest a nice dinner out at the Speckled Perch. Mama's not welcome there anymore after that ruckus she caused in the parking lot when she busted open the back of a stock trailer hauling her ex-boyfriend's prize bull. It's a shame that semi-truck driver picked just that moment to speed past on State Road 98.

Can you suggest a gift that won't piss her off, endanger her sobriety, or cause a clothing malfunction too embarrassing to contemplate in a woman of my mama's considerable size?

Signed, In a Quandry


Dear Quandry,

Now, don't take this wrong, honey .... but, your mama can read, can't she? Because if she can, I have the best idea for her Mother's Day gift. I don't want to sound immodest, but there's a terrific book out now called Mama Does Time. It's all about ME! Here's a picture of the cover:




Oh, it's no secret I've had a quibble or two with that fancy author who wrote the book. Like, Number One, how come Ms. Deborah Sharp gets all the credit when I actually lived the story and all she did was write it down? But that's water under the bridge. She's already got a second one coming out in July: Mama Rides Shotgun. That one's all about me, too.

But anyhoo, people do seem to like Mama Does Time, and she put enough of my sayings and all in there to make it entertaining (Believe me, I've met Ms. Sharp. She's about as lively as a Lutheran hymn fest.)

And maybe my story will give your mama a little something to brag about. No matter what all she's done, she hasn't done time. Or maybe she has. In that case, it'll give her something to identify with.

Love,
Mama