Of Eyeliner and Kitty Litter

Dear Mama,

I'm 15 and am scheduled to have surgery in a couple of weeks. And, boy, is my surgeon a QT! Even if he is older than my mother. I don't want Dr. Hot to see me wearing a tacky hospital gown with those horrid light brown socks with the white treads on the top and bottom of them. Plus, I won't be able to wear my makeup! What am I going to do??

I thought about sneaking out and getting the eyeliner permanently tattooed on, but I don't have any money (I only get paid $5.50 a week for cleaning five cat litter boxes a day) Help!!

Naked Without Makeup

Dear Naked,
Well, honey ... first let me say good luck on your surgery. We'll add a little prayer for you down at the Abundant Faith and Forgiveness Chapel. And I just know things are going to be okay.

Second, you do not want your surgeon distracted one bit while he's operating, so this isn't the time to worry about looking like a beauty queen. And I can say so, 'cause I WAS a beauty queen: Swamp Cabbage Festival Queen in LaBelle, Fla., in . . . well, we won't say exactly what year that was in.

Anyhoo, I know how you feel about those awful gowns (tacky, not to mention breezy!). And I agree with you about make-up, except in surgery. I'd say just a touch of lipstick once you're in the recovery room. Maybe some blush, too. Oh, and bring a colorful scarf -- maybe a lemon yellow? -- to jazz up that hideous brown.

Now, about those tattooed eyelids ... do not go there, darlin'. I know perfectly nice gals have them, but I advise against anything that permanent anywhere. You never know how fashion might change. Nothing says forever like a tattoo. Just ask Angelina Jolie.

Finally, I know you're only 15, but you are getting ROBBED on that litter-box job of yours. I'm more of a dog person (Maybe you've read about my pet Pomeranian, Teensy?), but I understand those cats can be demanding little divas. And stinky litter boxes, too? Honey, you should be bringing in at least 10 bucks a week for your trouble.

Love,

Mama