Christmas Lights, Yay or Nay?

Dear Mama,

everthing was jes fine in the trailer park until this hoochie mama moved in with her yappie little rat dog, and she sez it is wrong to have christmas lights up on yor porch all year. we have always done it an been 100% happy!!

Is it really wrong?

please help!

yor fan, Lettie Mae

Dear Lettie Mae,

Well, first let me thank you kindly for being a fan. I've always been popular in my little hometown of Himmarshee, but this Wide World of the Web is an awful big place. As for those lights, I say let 'em shine, shine, shine. After all, can't we always use a little more of the Christmas spirit?

My own seasonal chasing lights are strung up in the plumbago bush year-round. All the neighbors comment about how pretty they look.
Your real dilemma is that hoochie gal next door. Who does she think she is? Paris Hilton?
I'd watch my man around her. And if she gives you any more trouble, just threaten to turn your pit bull loose on her little yappy dog.
You do have a pit bull, right?

Love, Mama

That boy's got ticks in the brain!

Dear Mama,
I'm a big time TV correspondent, frequently dispatched to wars, hellholes, and other dangerous spots. I'm currently in Mexico, covering a hurricane. My wife's mad at me because I showed up on the national news this morning, driving around in a car during the storm as tree limbs whizzed by and electrical poles shattered amid showers of sparks.
She says I'm an insane adrenaline junkie who should be over this crap after twenty-some years. How can I get her to start speaking to me again?
Signed,
The Colonel

Dear Colonel,
That must be one nutty army that would have you as an officer!
Have you had yourself checked for tick fever?
I say this 'cause I knew a boy once in Himmarshee who had it. It made him act all crazy. Like he climbed to the top of a corn silo once, just so he could pee off of it.
You better tell your poor wife to check herself for ticks, too. Anybody who'd stay married to you all that time surely has some kind of fever in the brain.
Maybe you can buy the two of you a pair of tick collars as a way of making up. Let me know if she ever starts talking to you again.

Love, Mama

Don't Give it Away, honey!

Well, how 'bout this, folks? Somebody sent in a letter from the Wide World of the Web. Didn't know they even had the Web in little dinky towns like this fella's.
Here it is:
Dear Mama,
I enjoy reading your advice, so pay no attention to your bossy daughter Mace when she says you talk too much. You're a classic.
Please help me with this problem: My high-school classmate works in a creamery, and he's up for a promotion to assistant manager on weekendnights, butI fear his dating life is going to hurt him. He's dating a woman who loves to drink. They sit together on the picnic table in front of my hometown bar on Main Street, kissing and touching. I've tried to get him to stop- to rent a room, so to speak -but they can't stop.
I'm worried the creamery won't like future management acting up like this in public.
What I should tell him?
Signed, Concerned Pal

Dear Concerned,
Your friend sounds like your average red-blooded American male. The problem's the girlfriend, kissing and fondling in public. Hasn't that gal ever heard that a man won't buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? Considering her man works in a creamery, you'd think she'd know that.
Have her write to Ask Mama. I'll set her straight on playing hard to get. You learn a thing or two on men after you've been married four times, I can tell you that.
Love, Mama

I'm Here to Help

Well, first of all, Howdy, y'all!
I can hardly believe I'm handing out advice to the World Wide Web! I've barely been out of Himmarshee, which is just a little speck of a spot north of Lake Okeechobee in the Florida wilds.
My middle daughter, Mace, says not to be too wordy, that people who go on the Web are real busy. So, l'll try to keep it short. Let's move on to our first troubled soul:

Dear Mama,
I don't know what to do. My boyfriend keeps promising to shape up and do right, but the next thing I know, he's hanging out 'til all hours drinking with his no-account friends and taking up with that tramp who lives two trailers over. Should I dump him?
Sincerely, Perplexed

Perplexed, you've got to ask yourself two things: Am I better off with or without him? And, if I'm better off with him, can I take that tramp who lives two trailers over?
Nah, I'm just kidding, honey. It sounds like that boyfriend doesn't respect you. If I was you, I'd dump that loser like a load of manure at the Livestock Auction. You can sure do better!

Love, Mama

See? There's nothing to it. Now, get out your blog pens and papers and send me some letters. I love to give advice (This is Mace speaking: Does she ever).